The Mask

The other day, I was doing some self reflection and noticed that I really do act differently depending on who I'm around. I think this is pretty normal for most people, especially this day and age. We have friends that we swear around, friends that we are silly with, friends we are open to, and friends we hide things from. It's also a very scary thing, in my opinion, at least for me. I know that if I hang around certain types of people too long, my personality begins to change. I know that I am easily influenced by my surroundings, and I'm terrified that somewhere along my journey I have lost who I really am.

Side note, who doesn't love a good Jim Carrey movie :)

I think it's just like in the movie "The Mask"... Well, kind of haha ^^' I think that we put on these masks in an attempt to protect ourselves... We use them as shields to avoid judgment or rejection, and they begin to change us and warp us into something that we're really not. I think it's so dangerous to live your life wearing a mask, and conforming who you really are to keep yourself from getting hurt.

On a more personal level, I think that I've let my fear of rejection basically sculpt my entire life. 'Who I am' is just a scared little girl who refuses to reach out to people because I don't want to make a fool of myself. I don't want to be open and vulnerable because I've been hurt before. The closest I'll get to coming out my shell is sending someone a text or facebook message, because then if I'm rejected I can just erase it and pretend it never happened. I hide behind this screen and you will never see how hurt I am, never knowing how much your rejection tears me up. You won't see my weaknesses, I've learned to hide them so well. My 'mask', basically, is the manifestation of the shield I created a long long time ago, when I was a young child. I can remember the exact day things started to go bad, but that should be a post for another time.

Basically, when I was thinking about all this a few days ago, I got scared at first. Scared because my mask is so woven into who I am that I have lost myself to it, and I don't know what is me and what is not. After some more thinking though, a revelation revealed itself to me, I guess. Who I am now is just the end of who I was. I can start from scratch, and rebuild myself. That's allowed! There is no law, written or otherwise, that tells me I have to stay the same. I can throw away recycle the person I have been, even the person I am as I type, and start anew, right this second, reconstructing myself. I do not have to be defined by past traumas or trials. There is nothing but myself holding me back, and it's about time I let go. Now I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do, and in reality I will probably fail and have to start over again a few times. But do you know what?

THAT'S OKAY :)

It's totally okay for me to not know who I am or who I will be, I think that so much of the fun in life is the process in self discovery :) Point is, I am going to be exactly who I want to be, who I was born to be, and not who or what anyone else wants. I am flawed. I am confused. I am me. Just watch me go :)