The Hartford Project 2011

*NOTE* Please bear with me as I stumble through my disorganized thoughts. I apologize if the things that I write don't come out making perfect sense, I'm just trying to get everything out of my head. Thank you!*

This year, The Hartford Project was unlike any that I had ever been on before in so many ways, both good and not-so-good.

The week prior to the trip, I found out who the kids on my team would be, and I remember actually being upset because I wasn't very good friends with many of them. Most of my closer friends had been in a different team, and I was disappointed thinking that it would just be uncomfortable working with people I didn't really know. I have never been so wrong in my life!!

I see 5 of my kids here!

Working with Team S was SUCH a blessing, and I truly am thankful for every moment I spent with my group :) We all got to know more about each other and it was an honor to work with such a wonderful and funny bunch :)

On a more serious note, The Hartford Project this year really did change my life.

Depression has been a common presence in my life for as long as I can remember. I've long since accepted it as just being a part of who I am, it is a chemical imbalance in my brain and there is nothing I can do about it. I've learned to live with it. During THP I realized that what I have done is far more serious then I thought; basically I have accepted my sin. I accepted my weaknesses and shortcomings and believed them to be a part of who I am. But I was made in God's image, so the idea that my sins and failures are a part of me is contradictory. I realized that there is no reason for me to accept defeat. When I get depressed, I no longer have to say "It's just who I am. There's nothing I can do about it." God has led me through some brutal struggles so far, and I trust Him to guide me through anything else this life has to offer. The last time that I was truly depressed was June 29th, Wednesday night. Now I haven't been perfectly happy since then, but still! It's been over a week since the last time I was really depressed!! It may not sound like a long time, but it is by far an all-time record for me :) I've never gone so long in my entire life without thoughts of worthlessness, suicide, or self-mutilation plaguing me. I've never felt this way before, and I love it! I never believed it was possible for me to be not just happy, but genuinely at peace with myself and the world, especially for longer then a few moments. I can't even describe it.

I don't want to slow down and get comfortable though. "An idle mind is the devil's playground." I want to keep this momentum going, reach out to all my friends and even strangers who are struggling with depression and grab a hold of them. I want to pick them up and dance with them, hug them and love them, tell them how good things can be! I had to wait 14 years before feeling truly happy and secure, it might take a while for others too but never believe it's not possible for you.

That being said, I want to make it known that I understand how depression works. I know that it very well may creep back into my life, having an anxiety disorder has already provided and easy entrance. But even if it does return that doesn't mean it can't go away ever again. I know, not just believe, but I truly KNOW, that God can do all things. Wherever I go in life, He is with me, and I am safe.

The Past While

I promised myself I wouldn't completely forget about this blog and that I would stick with it,  making at least one new post weekly >_< So much for that... Sorry about that, I'll use this post to fill you in on why I haven't been able to keep up with le blog.

So I really haven't touched this website in over a month, and a LOT of stuff has happened since my last little post. Here's a brief recap:

-My first year at college came to an end!
-I found a job at Six Flags
-The Hartford Project 2011
-I made a few new friends
-Miscellaneous shenanigans
-I quit my job at Six Flags
-I found a new job in Barkhamsted (Fusion Zone laser tag!!!)

I'm saving THP'11 for the next post (which I'll do right after this one) since so much happened in that 5 day time frame.

Basically, life is going pretty swell right now! I left the job I hate, found a job I love, have had some ridiculously fun times with some amazing people, and that's just the beginning of summer :) and today is body piercing day! Whooooo :D

My Thoughts on Life

People need to stop trying to understand life

and begin to live life.

Take no breath for granted

Let no trail go unexplored

Let your friends and family know you care about them

Make peace with your enemies

Smile at everyone

Don't just dream, make your dreams reality.

Laugh daily, it's good for you.

Try new things; eat new foods and go to new places.

The WORLD is yours, don't take any of it for granted

Get out and take in the time you have here to learn.

You are never too old for new lessons.

Fear nothing, welcome every challenge.

And above all else...

love

The Appointment

So tomorrow I have a therapy appointment... It's my first time back in therapy since I was in seventh grade, and I'm pretty nervous. I used to hate therapists, I fought it tooth and nail when I was younger, but now I realize I can't handle my depression and anxiety on my own and I'll try anything to get better. It can't really hurt at this point.

The first time I went to therapy it was because I had to, there was really no choice in the matter. I had been keeping a diary and wrote about how much I wanted to die and how I'd cut myself. My mom found the diary and called the school guidance counselor, and I got sent to the hospital overnight to be put on suicide watch after attempting it at home. That in itself was a horrible experience for me, I felt very looked down upon in the hospital and was treated like a nutcase, not a scared kid. The first therapist I had was actually very sweet, and I enjoyed seeing her because I didn't have to say anything. For an hour a day one or two times a week I just had to listen to her tell me about her homosexual son who had joined the army. Very rarely did I have to reveal anything about myself, just enough to make her think that I was being open with her and getting better. When I had been seeing her for a while and nothing changed, my mother switched me to a new therapist in Granby. This one I didn't like as much, because she asked the tough questions and didn't let me skate by with shallow answers. She got me to talk about my family, and the worst part was when she had my mother and father come in and talk things out. Nothing changed, and I got in trouble for 'embarrassing' my parents. I also cried a lot during my sessions with the Granby therapist, and I hated that. I'm very uncomfortable with the thought of being open and vulnerable to a complete stranger.

I think tomorrow will be different. I have a much different perspective then I did six years ago. I want to strip past all the painful layers and become raw and new. I want to be exposed so that I can begin reconstructing myself with a fresh start. My mind has become rooted in negativity, and it's time to rip my insecurities out. It's basically like gardening. I have been overgrown with doubt and pain and fear like weeds, sucking up my energy and motivation and damaging everything good that God planted in me. These weeds must be uprooted. It will leave my core and mind a mess, just like when you pull out weeds from the earth and the soil becomes turned. Although difficult and messy, the process of renewal will make room for God to fill me with strength, hope, and faith above all else. I am like fresh soil, ready for my Father who is the gardener.

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
-Isaiah 58:11

The Mask

The other day, I was doing some self reflection and noticed that I really do act differently depending on who I'm around. I think this is pretty normal for most people, especially this day and age. We have friends that we swear around, friends that we are silly with, friends we are open to, and friends we hide things from. It's also a very scary thing, in my opinion, at least for me. I know that if I hang around certain types of people too long, my personality begins to change. I know that I am easily influenced by my surroundings, and I'm terrified that somewhere along my journey I have lost who I really am.

Side note, who doesn't love a good Jim Carrey movie :)

I think it's just like in the movie "The Mask"... Well, kind of haha ^^' I think that we put on these masks in an attempt to protect ourselves... We use them as shields to avoid judgment or rejection, and they begin to change us and warp us into something that we're really not. I think it's so dangerous to live your life wearing a mask, and conforming who you really are to keep yourself from getting hurt.

On a more personal level, I think that I've let my fear of rejection basically sculpt my entire life. 'Who I am' is just a scared little girl who refuses to reach out to people because I don't want to make a fool of myself. I don't want to be open and vulnerable because I've been hurt before. The closest I'll get to coming out my shell is sending someone a text or facebook message, because then if I'm rejected I can just erase it and pretend it never happened. I hide behind this screen and you will never see how hurt I am, never knowing how much your rejection tears me up. You won't see my weaknesses, I've learned to hide them so well. My 'mask', basically, is the manifestation of the shield I created a long long time ago, when I was a young child. I can remember the exact day things started to go bad, but that should be a post for another time.

Basically, when I was thinking about all this a few days ago, I got scared at first. Scared because my mask is so woven into who I am that I have lost myself to it, and I don't know what is me and what is not. After some more thinking though, a revelation revealed itself to me, I guess. Who I am now is just the end of who I was. I can start from scratch, and rebuild myself. That's allowed! There is no law, written or otherwise, that tells me I have to stay the same. I can throw away recycle the person I have been, even the person I am as I type, and start anew, right this second, reconstructing myself. I do not have to be defined by past traumas or trials. There is nothing but myself holding me back, and it's about time I let go. Now I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do, and in reality I will probably fail and have to start over again a few times. But do you know what?

THAT'S OKAY :)

It's totally okay for me to not know who I am or who I will be, I think that so much of the fun in life is the process in self discovery :) Point is, I am going to be exactly who I want to be, who I was born to be, and not who or what anyone else wants. I am flawed. I am confused. I am me. Just watch me go :)

The Picture From Cindy's Tumblr

i hate you

i need you

i can't stand you

i love you

i miss you

;_;

❝I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it, I don't believe it makes me real. I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me, I meant all the things I said. If you believe it's in my soul, I'd say all the words that I know, just to see if it would show, that I'm trying to let you know, I'm better off on my own❞

So today sucks. I promise I'll post something that isn't so damn depressing after this whiney update, but I need to blow off some steam. It's not like anything happened, in all honesty I'm just lonely. There's only one person I ever really hang out with, but I messed that up so we won't be seeing each other for a while. I'm not sure if that's an appropriate subject to blog about though. I don't even know why it hurts so bad, I never felt like he liked being around me, but now that I pushed him away for the last time I really really miss him... And this damn social anxiety is going to be the death of me, I swear. I'm too paranoid, I know that no one I went to school with likes me and they wouldn't want to be near me, but I think that's just what I tell myself to try and protect myself... I'm too afraid to reach out to anyone because I know once they get to know me, they'll leave too. There's something wrong with me.

❝This place is so empty, my thought's are so tempting, I don't know how it got so bad. Sometimes it's so crazy that nothing can save me, but it's the only thing that I have. If you believe it's in my soul, I'd say all the words that I know, just to see if it would show, that I'm trying to let you know, I'm better off on my own❞

I have no idea why this is always the song I go back to when I'm not feeling well. I think that if you're depressed you should listen to uplifting, happy music... Like surrounding yourself with happier things will make you happier too. But as soon as I start feeling down, these are the only words that come into my mind. I think I like it because it's not really an angry song, it's just sad... And it usually matches what I'm feeling.

Lately it's seemed like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and most of it is because I have no idea how to handle myself. I overreact or face my problems the wrong way, I can't really explain it. I think I'm sad today because I was actually happy for most of the night yesterday, it had to happen sometime. Bleh. Maybe Tuesday will be a good thing. But that'll come later.

Enough whining for now, I'll be back later.