The Appointment

So tomorrow I have a therapy appointment... It's my first time back in therapy since I was in seventh grade, and I'm pretty nervous. I used to hate therapists, I fought it tooth and nail when I was younger, but now I realize I can't handle my depression and anxiety on my own and I'll try anything to get better. It can't really hurt at this point.

The first time I went to therapy it was because I had to, there was really no choice in the matter. I had been keeping a diary and wrote about how much I wanted to die and how I'd cut myself. My mom found the diary and called the school guidance counselor, and I got sent to the hospital overnight to be put on suicide watch after attempting it at home. That in itself was a horrible experience for me, I felt very looked down upon in the hospital and was treated like a nutcase, not a scared kid. The first therapist I had was actually very sweet, and I enjoyed seeing her because I didn't have to say anything. For an hour a day one or two times a week I just had to listen to her tell me about her homosexual son who had joined the army. Very rarely did I have to reveal anything about myself, just enough to make her think that I was being open with her and getting better. When I had been seeing her for a while and nothing changed, my mother switched me to a new therapist in Granby. This one I didn't like as much, because she asked the tough questions and didn't let me skate by with shallow answers. She got me to talk about my family, and the worst part was when she had my mother and father come in and talk things out. Nothing changed, and I got in trouble for 'embarrassing' my parents. I also cried a lot during my sessions with the Granby therapist, and I hated that. I'm very uncomfortable with the thought of being open and vulnerable to a complete stranger.

I think tomorrow will be different. I have a much different perspective then I did six years ago. I want to strip past all the painful layers and become raw and new. I want to be exposed so that I can begin reconstructing myself with a fresh start. My mind has become rooted in negativity, and it's time to rip my insecurities out. It's basically like gardening. I have been overgrown with doubt and pain and fear like weeds, sucking up my energy and motivation and damaging everything good that God planted in me. These weeds must be uprooted. It will leave my core and mind a mess, just like when you pull out weeds from the earth and the soil becomes turned. Although difficult and messy, the process of renewal will make room for God to fill me with strength, hope, and faith above all else. I am like fresh soil, ready for my Father who is the gardener.

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
-Isaiah 58:11